Is your child shy, bossy, or just can't seem to connect with others? Here are a few steps to help your child deal with their peers as well as adults. You might want to role play a couple of these steps with your child. If they have siblings you can get them involved as well. Also, just a note, if you have a child with ADD or ADHD they might have social problems because they get easily distracted or have impulsive behavior. Children with ADHD can have an extra hard time with their peers so it's that much more important to help them.
Step one, teach your child to acknowledge others. Acknowledging others doesn't mean letting your child burst in and out of a room without a hello to anyone in particular. When guests enter your home, or come into a room, your child should either, come and greet them or at least stop what they are doing, look the person in the eye and say hello. That's a start. Also, teach your child to say goodbye. More than once I've seen parents who don't bother doing either. It can simply be because they weren't taught to do it themselves. Or, and here's where there's no excuse, they don't want to deal with their children getting upset if they have to turn off the T.V. or stop a game that is in progress. But if you don't teach your children social skills and basic good manners who will? Social skills start at home. Which brings me to, are you a parent who rarely says "please" or "thank you?" Or who is brisk with others or frequently interrupts others when they are speaking? As the saying goes, "Monkey see, monkey do."
Step two, show your child how to make friends. If your child is shy or socially awkward teach him or her how to go up to another child and ask in a friendly manner if they can join in their game. I believe it's important to role play if the other child says yes, as well as, no. You can explain to your child that sometimes another child wants to play alone and it doesn't have anything to do with them. Some children take things very personally. If you have an extra sensitive child work with them on this. Now what should you do if your daughter is bummed because the-girl-next-door, Sally, doesn't want to be friends with her because she doesn't share Sally's enthusiasm for baby dolls? Here's a possible solution: You can help your daughter find some other basis for a friendship with Sally. Find out what other things Sally likes. Maybe she likes toy horses, magic tricks, or it could be both girls like making jewelry. Now for your son. What if he wants to fit in with the other school boys and yet to his regret he seems to possess two left hands and feet when it comes to sports? Either you or husband might have to go outside and actually play soccer/T-ball/basketball/etc. with your son, or if neither of you are athletically inclined, you might have to enroll him in a sports camp or afternoon sports program. Another idea is to get another adult or older sibling to play a sport with them. Some kids really want to fit in. That's human nature. If your son is up for task, give any assistance you are able to give.
Now what if your child has a difficult time making and keeping friends because of a forceful personality? I had a nanny friend who dealt with a young boy with such an issue. I had this boy show me his way of making friends. He ran up to a pretend child and commanded him to let him play ball, now. He was actually surprised when I said I wouldn't want to play with him if he said that to me. I gave suggestions to both him and his nanny of ways in which he could interact pleasantly with other children. Later, my nanny friend informed me that though she was working with him on his bossy behavior he was still struggling. Habits are hard to break. However, in this boy's case he was having additional difficulty making and keeping friends because he had a problem with keeping his hands to himself. He also was known to fly off the handle if he lost a game. He knew word on play yard was he was a loose cannon. This made him sad, which in turn made him angry. He would lash out at other kids. His nanny and mother would explain to him this wasn't the way to make friends. You can't make other kids like your child. So what do you do if your child has a tough time making friends? Place your child in social situations where they can meet other kids who share their interests. Does your child like acting? Enroll them in an afternoon drama class. Does he or she have a passion for chess? Have them join a chess club. It's sad for a child to think they don't have any friends so as a parent you can step in, but do stress to your child that if they really want friends they have to work at it. Case in point: I met a little girl who complained she didn't have any friends. Her mother, wanting to help out, enrolled her in different classes, but it didn't do any good. Her daughter found fault with the classes, the other girls, and her teachers. The same went for her school and the people there. The young girl had a negative attitude. To her dismay others didn't always want to do what she wanted to do. Or play how she wanted to play. Relationships of all kinds take nurturing, cooperation and compromise.
Step three, teach your child how to read non-verbal social signals. Some children have a hard time reading these social cues. Other children need help because their mind tends to wander so they don't pick up on them. It's important to be able to pick up on and interpret non-verbal social signals from facial expressions and body language. Social situations aren't just about verbally communicating, people also frequently communicate in non-verbal ways. Teach your child to stop, look, and focus. This can be very hard with a child with ADHD, but instead of giving up because it's too much effort, keep at it. You can role play situations that occur at school or talk about situations that could happen. Such as, what if on the play yard a child demands the handball from another child who is backing off? What is the second child conveying with their body language? Answer: That they do not wish to give away the ball. Another question: What if a first grader trips and falls and his face expresses pain? Why would laughing be inappropriate and unproductive? Answer: Laughing shows a lack of compassion. It does not help another. As a parent you can also try this: When you're out and about, like at a museum or a park, have your child from a distance watch other children's reactions to what's occurring around them. You don't need to talk about it then, but maybe on the car ride home you can discuss some of the non-verbal signs your child picked up on.
Step four, teach your child the importance of empathy. Some children seem to have a naturally empathy towards others plights. Others kids are just too distracted to be aware of them. It's not that they don't care; their minds are just busy with other thoughts. Other children have a hard time caring. Once again teach your child to stop, look, and focus on what's happening. If you have a child who is deemed by their peers to be a bully, stop and think why that is. Yes, it could be they have a low self-esteem and feel the need to pick on others. They also might have a more aggressive nature than other kids. But it also could be they have a tough time understanding and identifying with another's feelings.
Last point to be made: Discussing and role playing can help, but being in the thick of it, the actual situation, is where it counts. Some children, especially those who have ADHD might have a difficult time. When you see your child making a genuine effort in their interaction with others at home or at school (you can talk to their teacher) reward it. Either with praise or extra stars if you have a star chart for them. (10 stars can equal extra play time with an activity they like or making something special, like pizza or cookies). By doing this you are reinforcing the fact they are on the right track.
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